Fallen

                         

                          

                          Memories live on, they said. Even the slightest of the moment; whether they are good or bad, the moments will always be reminisced as memories. To be able to smile and tell everyone this; I have, at least, cried one liter of tears. Looking back at the old photographs, my vision started to blur. Warm drop of tears fell down my cheek. The feeling was strange and I couldn't put it into words. It felt like an emptiness within me that just wouldn't go away. Nostalgia, they call it.

“I really don’t want to say things such as ‘I want to go back as how things were before.’ because things won’t change even if I say so and I will continue to live on.” The words kept repeating in my mind every second.

                        Chatters and laughter rang inside the house. It was a pleasant dinner that night. My mom’s soft smile, my dad’s corny jokes, and my twin sister loud chatter, I smiled fondly at the sight in front of me. I wouldn't trade anything in the world for my family. However, there’s one problem I couldn't settle with; I hated my twin sister, Rue. I hated her for being so perfect in every way. You see, I was a bit selfish back then, all I could think about was how I was being compared to her and not being good enough for everyone. Sometimes, I hated myself too. I blame myself for being brought up to this world to face the cruelty of the comparison. Rue was well mannered, kind, soft spoken, honest and obedience. I was the vice versa of her. We fought about almost everything; colors, food, hobbies, songs and remote control for the television. We barely agreed on each other. Even friends in our school were puzzled by the fact that twins are supposed to get along well, but not us.

                       One day, mom gave each of us an apple seed and asked us to plant them at the back of our house. The apple seeds must be planted side by side and watered every day. Without asking any further, we did what was told. We watered the seeds every day and took care of them. Like usual, Rue and I would always got into a fight. Years went by; the seeds grew into small trees. Things got much better between me and Rue. We were able to tolerate each other and accept opinions from both sides. We often talked about the trees and how we couldn't wait to see them grow bigger. Sometimes, we even played a guessing game where we would guess the color of apples that will be produced by the trees soon. Rue believed that the trees were red apple trees and I would go for green. We became closer and more like how a twin should be. We even shared food and shoes. I even caught a glimpse of smile from mom whenever I had a conversation with Rue. Deep down, I knew Mom was glad.

                     One summer day, I went out to check on the trees. I noticed a strange thing about Rue’s tree; the leaves were falling down. It looked as it hadn't been watered for days. The color of the leaf wasn't as green as mine. I ran back into the house to inform Rue about it but as I went to her room and knocked several times, she didn't answer. Opening her room’s door, I saw Rue lying on the floor, unconsciously. I panicked and called Mom. Rue was then rushed to the hospital. While waiting for Rue outside the emergency room, thousands of thought ran inside my mind. I was scared. After a few hours, the doctor went out of the room and told us that Rue was suspected to have a disease called Spinocerebellar Atrophy; where her cerebellum was shrinking slowly since the day she was born. “Sooner or later, she won’t be able to walk, write or even talk. The symptoms are not obvious but this disease is progressing in her. We haven’t found the cure yet, it’s still in a research but we’ll do our best.” explained the doctor. I felt numb. All I remembered on that day was Mom was crying and dad was all silence. “…But she’s only 13.”

                    Days went by; Rue could no longer walk by herself. She needed the help of a wheelchair to move around. Since then, I was the one who watered both of the trees at the back of our house. Rue’s tree was withering even when I watered it every day. The leaves were getting lesser from day to days.

One day, I sat next to Rue and asked her about her day.

“It’s painful when I’m with you, wanting to do this and that. When I’m with you, I keep dreaming a dream that would never come true. Whenever I think about the past, the tears will come out. Reality is too cruel, too brutal. I don’t even have the right to dream. As I think about the future, the tears will come out again. I really don’t want to say things such as ‘I want to go back as how things were before.’ I recognize how I am right now, and I will continue to live on. You've always encouraged me. You've listened to everything I couldn't tell anyone else. When I was down, you made me laugh. You were always near me. Whenever I was in pain, you were always with me. Thank you, Rose.” With those words came out of her, I couldn't help myself but to cry. I felt useless. I blamed myself; I should have spent more time with Rue and I shoulder treated her right.

                       

                  Rue’s condition was getting worse. She was no longer able to talk properly and couldn't handle her hand well. Sometimes, she even got herself chocked on food. Every night I’d cried myself to sleep, scared of what tomorrow will bring. The doctor advised us to let Rue stayed at the hospital since it would be easier for the medical purposes. Hence, when Rue was placed in the hospital, I would visit her every day. I told her about the trees and things at home. Even if she couldn't talk or respond, her soft smile explained everything.  

                      

                      April 14^th 2006, the final leaf left on Rue’s tree fell to the ground. Rue was then known to sleep forever. It was raining. The funeral was attended by my cousins, friends, and everyone in the neighborhood Every one of them offered their condolence to our family. Feeling so helpless, I clutched my knees and began sobbing under the apple tree. Soft patters of rains fell on me but I didn't care. Everything just did not matter anymore. Emotions swirled inside of me; hatred, sadness, loneliness, pain. It just wouldn’t go away. I felt like a part of me is missing. Now that every time I look at the apple tree, it reminds me of Rue and the apples are red.